No…
A Better Way to Say No written by Brett & Kate McKay. I haven’t read to book yet but I really like the title.
No is a complete sentence, and, in my opinion, one that doesn’t get used nearly enough in today’s society. As a young man new to Chicago, “No” was a very difficult word for me to use. I was single, living in a big city, and hungry for everything it had to offer. “Do you want to go to dinner?” Yes. “Do you want to go to a new bar?” Yes. “Do you want to cut work and go to a Cubs game?” Yes. “Do you want to go to eight parties and a street festival this weekend?” Yes. “Do you want another shot?” Yes. “Do you want to go to an after hours club?” Yes. FOMO is real and I was consumed by it. I’m not sure how I survived those days and wish I would have learned that simple word “No” much sooner.
I had an idea to write about this topic long ago but was “sparked” to publish it by a new friend of mine who writes a weekly note called Spark. The post linked here is all about saying “No” for the right reasons. It really struck a chord with me.
A few years into the bar business, I began to increase my vocabulary to include No. In Chicago there are two types of bar licenses: 2AM and late night. The 2AM licenses must close at 2AM. The late night licenses could stay open until 4AM, and 5AM on Saturdays. We were often approached to buy bars with late night licenses and my partners always said “No” because “Nothing good happens after 2AM.” I had a hard time leaving all that money on the table but looking back, they were right. And they may have saved my life because of it.
As our locations became increasingly popular, my circle of friends grew exponentially. When you’ve got more friends, you get more invitations. Concerts, parties, sporting events, and dinners were always on the table. But now requests were coming in to attend weddings, baby showers, birthdays, speaking engagements, and even funerals. I was getting a lot better at saying “No.” Weddings were the biggest events I wanted to get out of, but a few of my better friends found a way around the “No” they knew was coming. They put me in the wedding. I became a professional groomsman.
One “No” I had a hard time with throughout the bar years was the request to buy me a shot. I was in the bar business. Selling liquor is how I paid the bills. How was I going to say “No” to revenue? Here’s the truth to how I was able to handle all those shots over the years…
While working, I always had a bottle of Bud Light in my hand. Anytime a customer wanted to buy me a shot, the answer was, “Let’s do it! What are we drinking?” I’d make a show of enjoying the shot with them and immediately follow the shot with a swig of Bud Light. That swig wasn’t really a swig but a spit as the shot was now safely stored in the bottle and I remained remarkably sober. My secret has now been revealed to the world.
My best friends came to realize that there were quite a few things that I just didn’t want to do. When Amy and I first started dating, she was quickly introduced to my world, full of invitations. As a new request came in for our presence, she would ask, “Are we going?” I would easily reply “No.” She’d become anxious, worrying about what excuse we were going to tell our friends. My reply then, as it still is today, “We’re just going to tell them that I don’t want to go.” Those that are my friends understand and often get a laugh at my reply. The ones who want an explanation will get one and I rarely find anyone that has a problem with my desire not to attend an event. I can’t say that Amy’s become good at saying “No,” but she has greatly improved over the years.
The post-bar years have brought about so many more reasons to say “No.” Chicago was so easy when you said yes to just about anything. The best restaurants were on every corner, the Cubs played all summer long, street festivals happen every weekend, concerts happened all week long at dozens of venues, so you always had to look for a reason to stay home. The move north to Lake Forest took us out of the proximity of all those events but the invites still come our way. “No” is much easier to justify when you have to fight traffic for an hour just to get there, find a dog sitter, search for parking, and pretty much give up an entire day for a few short hours of entertainment. A great friend who used to live downtown sent me this clip that pretty much sums up suburban life as I know it now.
As my ramblings continue, you likely have begun wondering how am I ever going to tie this into my Lou Gehrig’s disease. Well, one of the tests for ALS is called the EMG test. Basically, they use a machine that is attached to a long, flexible needle (it felt like it was 2 feet long), and they insert it repeatedly all over your body. When I say “all over your body,” I mean they even hit the Hello areas. Once the needle is in a muscle, you then get a shock to stimulate it. As I understand it, the machine then measures the time between the shock and the muscle stimulation.
Fasciculations are involuntary rapid muscle twitches that are too weak to move a limb but are easily felt by patients and seen or palpated by clinicians. I copied the definition for you because I had never heard of them before. The first neurologist to diagnose my ALS did so by finding fasciculations all over my body, that I didn’t even know were happening. After she performed the EMG test on me, I swear that my fasciculations increased by 4-fold. All of the subsequent neurologists I’ve seen have wanted to repeat the test but they all get the same response from me, a hard “NO.” Treatments and drugs have also been recommended to me that have been met with a “No” as well because they just don’t make any sense to me.
As this week’s addition is getting rather lengthy it’s time to wrap things up with a final thought… Life is short. The older I get, the faster time passes. Don’t waste time doing unfulfilling things. Take time for, and say “Yes” to those you love. Use “No” for all the things that may steal your time or take your joy. One thing I’ve been offering to those I interact with in the ALS community is: Find joy wherever you can, then share it with others.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for saying “Yes” to sharing a little of your time with me.
Take care and God Bless.
Coach
